baby1267's Blog

I wish I could get be to the little me again. As a Child (5 and under and somewhat to 8) I did not just
believe in GOD I knew for a fact without anyone telling that GOD was real and that I would go to

haven when my life was over. Back then I did not fear dying. When I was a kid I was happy about death because I knew that something better was after. I felt like I had left home and a very good

friend and that when life was over I could go home and be with that friend again. I used to tell my mom (it kind of sacred her to) that I would see her in haven when we where both dead. Now I just

can't seem to find that total faith in my anymore(I miss it) and now death scares me to. I still feel like I have lost a friend but now I don't know how to find them. I used to see angles they would

help me. I don't see them now and I just know it's because I can't. You must believe to see and I don’t anymore. The world made me question now it's all gone. I don’t want to fear death but I just

can't help it anymore. I miss just knowing in my heart that god is there. I miss being close to GOD. I miss the total faith. Anyway that's all I have to say for now thank you for reading.

so I have been sick for days. tonight when I was walking my dog. I felt very bad and I was in a very bad mood then these two girls walked by me and smiled at me. I felt better. I hurt a little lase. everything just seemed to look brighter. they don't know it but they really helped me and I thank them.

 where I live there are 4 stray cats one male, one female and to babies of who the ganders are unknown though I
think one is male and one is female. I love these cats like family and if I could take them in right now I would but

I still live at home and my mom said we can not bring them in
(we already have a cat, a dog, a turtle and two guinea pigs). my brother buys the food and everyday I give them food and water.

I plan to get a job and move out as soon as I can (my mom is sick and I have to care for her when she needs me) I was planing to adopt a cat when I move out anyway. I would not even think about leaving them but they seem happy here and mostly healthy.

they sleep in our basement at night (the basement door is out side and it is warm down there) they are not spayed/neutered cause we just don't have the money. W

hen I get the money even if I leave them here I will spay/neuter them. Btw I can't move out for a least 2-3 years as I have to wait till my mom is better then I have to get a job then college then finding a place then moving out.

earlier I was reading stories of cats that had been declawed and I was so upset that I went to where my cat sleeps and lied down by her bed and let her scratch my hand. I don't know if she knows this but her scratching my hand helped me feel better. It let me know that she was okay that she had her claws. I cried a little and talked to her. My cat does not like anyone touching her or getting to close but when she knew I was sad she let me put my hand near her and that means the world to me :).

earlier I was reading stories of cats that had been declawed and I was so upset that I went to where my cat sleeps and lied down by her bed and let her scratch my hand. I don't know if she knows this but her scratching my hand helped me feel better. It let me know that she was okay that she had her claws. I cried a little and talked to her. My cat does not like anyone touching her or getting to close but when she knew I was sad she let me put my hand near her and that means the world to me :).

 

My mom is sick right now so she sleeps at odd hours and a lot of time sometimes. this morning I had stayed up all night but wanted to spend time with her. she told me to sleep till three and that she would wake me up. my dog woke me at 4:30. so I got up and my brother tells me that she was in pain and just had to sleep. I just wanted someone to vent to so that I could get my feelings out and not hurt my mom. my brother got very mean said I forced people to spend time with me. I told him that I have to force it because if I did not no one would spend time with me he said I force them and than just talk about tv shows. I have to talk about tv shows as I stay home all day watching over our mom. I feel like my family does not love me sometime and I wish everyday to god that I could be enough for them that they could love me like I love them. god I love them sooooo much.

you would think hey but you said you are at home all day. I'm only here for when the men go to work and she really needs help or if she just needs help as the men don't seem to know how to help her at all. I never get to talk to her. I never get to really talk to any-of them. I know I talk about stupid stuff most of the time but at least I'm trying. they never try. BTW I was mad when I started to write this now I'm just very sad. no one loves me.

I really wish that the men in my live right now (dad,brother) would not say things out of anger. it really really hurts.
so for the next week I will not try to spend time with anyone and when I do I will only talk about my life if there is nothing to say then I will say nothing.

I just hope this makes them happy.

I feel so helpless right now. My big brother is going through a hard time and I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to say. I have told him I'm there if he needs me but that seems to help very little if at all I just really want to make his pain go way.

we live to have experiences be them good or be them bad.

You where like my rock, my home, my soft place to fall, my friend, my love, you where my all.
But that was so very long ago.
now you’re my pain, my heart ach, the wound on my soul, my enemy, my nothing.
Why did you hurt me so why?